Phobia

There are many fears in the world and everyone is afraid of something. Sometimes we don’t realize our own fears until we are faced with them. A co-worker screams suddenly and intensely every time she spots a spider; this is her arachnophobia: a phobia that many people besides her have, but a phobia that can be overcome through more exposure to spiders and that can be the case for many of our fears. As a child and into my early adulthood I was afraid of my own image in the mirror which is something they call Eisoptrophobia; something I never heard of but after realizing what exactly it was I understood my own fear. Time has healed me, seeing myself and loving myself more has healed me although there are still times I don’t like seeing images of myself. And I’ve heard of fear of heights, animals, the outdoors but I never thought or realized there were people with a fear of me.
Homophobia: The fear of homosexuality or fear of being homosexual.

Where do I begin here but to say I use to have the fear of being gay myself. When I started to realize the possibility, I decided I wanted to hide it or hoped it was just a phrase. Overtime I realized I was hiding who I was out of fear of society’s view on me. Not sure what they would call that kind of phobia. But I and so many others suffered from it. In fact I know many who still do. Homophobia is indeed a fear but it more is defined as hatred or is it cowardice? To an extent I can understand how hard it can be to accept difference, especially when there is a lack of knowledge or exposure to that difference. Isn’t that where we get many of these phobias? Times are getting better though as people are becoming more open minded and accepting but of course the more things change the more things stay the same. Homophobia isn’t cool these days so I find that it’s hidden as is racism or any other prejudice out there. But there is still small mindedness rampant out there.

Some people have a fear of thinking…(for themselves) called phronemophobia and a fear of knowledge called gnogiophobia. Yes, there’s a name for all kinds of fear. And I actually think homophobia contains both of those fears. An openness to think and openness to knowledge when it comes to those we see as difference. And when there are differences even within that subgroup we really have to open ourselves up to understanding or attempting to. Homophobia is something that more pisses me off than hurts me as an individual because if your content with yourself then there is no need to try to make someone else feel small or “Queer” for not being like you. And I’m going to say this as I know some are homophobic when it comes to my blogs (this one in particular). There is no worst phobia out there than the fear of yourself. Think about that.

In The Presence Of Strangers

There are times where I’m just an admirer

and there are times…

when I am the admired but for all that I’ve become I still fear at times those unfamiliar eyes that stare at me. There are people who either e-mail me or comment why write these diaries. They say there is nothing wrong with being neither black nor gay and I say true but prejudice and stereotypes and fear is still out there. And as proud as I am of who I am there are times where I have to hide the gay tag to not be instantly judged or ignored. I have to become a stranger to become un-strange to those who don’t know me.

I’m sure your saying, ‘Tarringo, no way’

And my stubbornness and pride at times does win out but I feel like a book with really great content but passed by or put back on the shelf because the cover isn’t appealing so I fight doubly for that chance to just be read between the lines. When I am in public I never believed in showcasing my homosexuality mostly because I know there are many not comfortable with it and I usually just don’t want the attention directed towards me.

Yet,

I write these diaries and expose my many emotions and thoughts with many. I guess it’s different behind the mask of ink and written expression. I take a lot of bullshit and closed minded ignorance by being openly gay on this medium but I feel it is a voice needed for the progression of acceptance. There are tons of men like me out there silent because they just don’t want to be exposed to the attitudes out there and many of those men and women are dispersed throughout the same presence of strangers I tuck away my own openness in.

Yes,

Times are getting better, people are becoming more accepting, but you continue to hear tragic stories of gay bashing and horrific murders; the reason why a lot don’t want to be open and stay silent. Although I can kick the ass of many who would dare step my way in that kind of situation, I still find myself hiding who I am when I am unknown. When in the presence of strangers, I, become a stranger to myself.