It Was All About The Sex

 he said “I’ll Call you”.

As I turned over in my queen size bed partially covered with the scent of him, I knew that call would not come. I can still hear the echo of his footsteps followed by the creak in the door swing shut all these years later. 

 

And why?

 Because I felt like a god damn fool, an idiot, a used piece of chewing gum spit out for a new flavor. I thought his smooth words and attractive eyes were sincere; I thought the way he touched me was for me and not just to get me. He said the right things, made all the right moves, even pretended to listen to my heart. But you see, he was a playa in a game that I never read the instructions to. All these years later I now realize how easy it should’ve all been to figure out. 

 

            Shit.

I was a piece of ass and it didn’t feel good when you didn’t sign up for a one night stand. I’m not even going to say it’s a gay thing or man thing because I’m sure we’ve all experienced it. It was all about that sex that night. He called me and politely asked me to dinner. We met, caught a movie and I cringed as his hand touched mine because I wasn’t use to the affection in public. But at the same time I melted because it was a moment I wanted.

The movie ended and there we were back at my place. I was shy and he made me feel comfortable with just his smile. A kiss led to more and although in my head I knew it wasn’t smart to go further, my body did the talking that night. And you know what? I thought the night would lead to many even though deep inside I felt I was probably one of many that he romanced and seduced and left laying in a half made bed of sweat.

And I turned out to be right. He was the first that I experienced that within the gay world and he sure wasn’t the last. You really can’t see it coming no matter how much you shield yourself. But I’ve learned that if it’s going to be just about sex, then I will get mine too. The gay world is lonely enough without being left behind.

            “Tee, Is that you”, he said years later in a dark club.

  I looked and said “Yes”. He looked at the muscles on my body and the new confidence I had and said “You look great”. I nodded and walked past. He tried the rest of the night to get my attention. But I pretended not to notice and ignored him like he ignored my heart. A friend asked me who he was and as he walked behind me, I said in a loud voice.

            “Oh just some guy who was lousy in bed, it was just about the sex”.

Sentenced

My heart is a crime.


And who I naturally love is a conviction. As I look out into the silence with the reflection of taunts, judgment and questioning that I have withstood (to be the man I am meant to be) staring back at me, I realize that if I was this same man living in Uganda my freedom would be stripped because the lips I kiss is considered a means for imprisonment.

The Ugandan government is marking homosexuality as a crime and if the bill is passed those who hearts love the same sex would spend life in prison. And when I read of this, I thought to myself, in this country I would actually be looked at as a criminal; someone who would be locked behind bars because of who I love. Are you fucking kidding me? And the scary thing about this is this is no joke. Am I really to be put on the level of murderers, rapists and any other form of despicable crime because my heart belongs to another man?

My heart is a crime. I just had to reflect upon that one more time.

My heart has already been called a sin and evil but now there are governments out there that don’t even want homosexual citizens walking the street and all I can wonder is what are the real fears here? Should we go imprisoning everyone who is born different just because difference can ruin the world? There is so much out there in everyday life that we as gay men and women have to endure without the ignorance and closed mindedness of our own governments. And yes we do witness that anyway, but thankfully the United States hasn’t passed a bill yet that would illegalize my attraction. Or maybe I should hold my breath on that.

To so many being gay is already a sentence in how they have to deal with non-acceptance and quick harsh judgments. When will people start to understand that who someone else loves has no affect on them? And when will they also realize that there is no controlling of something that is natural. Sorry if you don’t believe that but if you’re not living inside this skin, you can’t possibly tell me what I’m born with. And think about it…why would we choose a “lifestyle” that would in some countries lead us to a sentenced judgment to life behind bars.

© 2010
Tarringo T. Vaughan

Some Say Love...

"Written Before I Found Love Again"

I still remember…love.


I remember all the possible feelings of being cuddled in another’s arms; the soft caress of eyes interlocked for moments of eternity. I remember the aroma that lingers when love fills the air like the breath of a warm rain ready to shower the earth with radiance. There was once a time I thought love was a myth. I was a young teenager waltzing in a maze of my own imagination just feeling like I would never find that feeling of magic. I learned love was like a dream but no one ever taught me the many personalities of love. As I’ve grown and continue to grow I’ve learned that love is not just that magical feeling two lovers orchestrate on mountains of passion, love is also inhaling the tears and moments of sickness. Love is standing by someone when they are at their weakness and love is about letting go. Some say love creates those moments of healing and self-renewal and I say love is the lead vocal in this song called life.
One night I stood in a crowded club watching like I tend to do. I saw two younger men who found each other in that same club. They were introduced by circumstance and took a chance by allowing their hearts to dance. I thought to myself how happy they looked and I was happy for them. Every time their smile gazed into each other’s eyes, there was electricity that filled the air. They were creating a music that symphonized throughout the night. I remembered that moment as my own, right there, in that very club and it made me once again yearn for the warmth of just having another soul think about you that way. I missed the comfort of another’s heartbeat vibrating throughout my own body and that night as I watched these two lovers I wondered about their journey and if they would be able to survive the obstacles and if they would still look at each other with that mesmerism once flaws were exposed. Some say love is limitless when it is unconditional. I watched love grow that night.

On the same night I continued to voyeur this new connection. I watched them hold each other and interact with friends. They were like magnets always finding their way back to one another. This was something refreshing in the gay community; it was a magnetism I once had but had given up on because a lot of men just want that one night stand or that one time claim to your heart. As the night went on I took my eyes off the couple and focused on my own enjoyment which just led me to get drunk off of memories of what I had and I leaned against the bar just wondering why so quickly did love yank its claws out of me without warning. Some say love strikes you when you least expect so I guess it can go both ways. Some say love can only exist between a man and a woman but everyday someone is proving that wrong. Somewhere two women are laying on a couch dozing off in to each other’s minds and somewhere two men are sitting on a porch watching the stars align in the shape of their hearts. Somewhere the love I once had is thinking about me as I think about him and before me that night two young lovers were exercising their love into a new strength. Some say this love is a sin but how can it be wrong when it is so beautiful when it just feels right.



© 2010
Tarringo T. Vaughan
Diary Of A Gay Black Man

Phobia

There are many fears in the world and everyone is afraid of something. Sometimes we don’t realize our own fears until we are faced with them. A co-worker screams suddenly and intensely every time she spots a spider; this is her arachnophobia: a phobia that many people besides her have, but a phobia that can be overcome through more exposure to spiders and that can be the case for many of our fears. As a child and into my early adulthood I was afraid of my own image in the mirror which is something they call Eisoptrophobia; something I never heard of but after realizing what exactly it was I understood my own fear. Time has healed me, seeing myself and loving myself more has healed me although there are still times I don’t like seeing images of myself. And I’ve heard of fear of heights, animals, the outdoors but I never thought or realized there were people with a fear of me.
Homophobia: The fear of homosexuality or fear of being homosexual.

Where do I begin here but to say I use to have the fear of being gay myself. When I started to realize the possibility, I decided I wanted to hide it or hoped it was just a phrase. Overtime I realized I was hiding who I was out of fear of society’s view on me. Not sure what they would call that kind of phobia. But I and so many others suffered from it. In fact I know many who still do. Homophobia is indeed a fear but it more is defined as hatred or is it cowardice? To an extent I can understand how hard it can be to accept difference, especially when there is a lack of knowledge or exposure to that difference. Isn’t that where we get many of these phobias? Times are getting better though as people are becoming more open minded and accepting but of course the more things change the more things stay the same. Homophobia isn’t cool these days so I find that it’s hidden as is racism or any other prejudice out there. But there is still small mindedness rampant out there.

Some people have a fear of thinking…(for themselves) called phronemophobia and a fear of knowledge called gnogiophobia. Yes, there’s a name for all kinds of fear. And I actually think homophobia contains both of those fears. An openness to think and openness to knowledge when it comes to those we see as difference. And when there are differences even within that subgroup we really have to open ourselves up to understanding or attempting to. Homophobia is something that more pisses me off than hurts me as an individual because if your content with yourself then there is no need to try to make someone else feel small or “Queer” for not being like you. And I’m going to say this as I know some are homophobic when it comes to my blogs (this one in particular). There is no worst phobia out there than the fear of yourself. Think about that.