This Little Provincetown

I’ve never before been to a place ready to embrace me for all that I am.

And as we passed Toro that New Years Eve I looked out a fogged up passenger side window into a dark cloud and thought to myself finally. Finally a place where I could hold the hand of my lover in the openness of acceptance; finally I could walk in the same harmony of understanding hearts; finally a place stuffy closets don’t suffocate laughter and finally a place to be free, a place to exhale self-pride. There was an excitement and a moment in my life approaching that I didn’t think would happen. I was with a new found love and his close friends going to a place on a night that could only be magical. And that indeed it was. I remember just staring at the dunes as we got closer and then the tiny little streets and all the small shops laced with lights glittering a shiny smile. Snow dusted parts of the ground and I could feel a spirit in the air that warmly kissed the awakening cold of the waves. I was in a small paradise for the eternity of the night.

The sky winked down at us as we unfilled the dark gray Honda accord. I remembered the stars sparkling with such clarity as we made our way to the motel located a little ways from town. The moments just seemed to stand still as if I was paused on the perfect scene of someone’s favorite movie. And I was a smile ear to ear as we checked in, got dress and prepared for the last few hours of the decade. There was such a glow to all of us as we toasted the night with wine in plastic cups and awaited the gypsy cap for a quick ride into the center of town. I remember thinking how far I have come inside my own skin; how much growth I’ve championed over the years to be there – open, out and proud. And as the night went on, after the dinner, the toast and many smiles we all danced on a crowded dance floor with many men from all different parts of the world and from many different aspects of homosexuality. We all danced together as one discovery of acceptance as midnight turned into a new year; a new decade of progress. I was kissed by not only love but an atmosphere fulfilled with happiness.

It was this little Provincetown where I was embraced
for being every definition of me.

© 2010
Tarringo T. Vaughan

On The Other Side Of Nowhere

…and I didn’t belong there,


but for that moment, I wasn’t supposed to be anywhere else. We didn’t have much in common except we were men, unattached and seeking companionship. He talked nonsense and I nodded my head as if I actually had interest. But we were there, sharing time because either one of us had anywhere else to be. We sat at the bar of a local restaurant studying the loud crowd around us as we wondered if the atmosphere was interpreting our body language as our linguistics was of two men just introduced as strangers barely even making eye contact. I thought I was over weird moments like that; I thought I was at a new place in life where I could turn awkward moments into an easy laugh. It wasn’t that he was not easy on the eyes; perhaps he was even interesting if I took the chance to pay attention but it became apparent to me that I wasn’t ready to meet anyone new. My heart was still in that nowhere zone hearts go when healing from the wicked ways of love.

“So, tell me more about yourself”, he said.

“Well…” I responded as he anticipated. The thoughts in my mind during that long pause were of disbelief that I was in this situation again. What do I tell a man who I already decided I was never going to see again? But then I thought how cruel I was being and I was being like other gay men I’ve encountered who pretend and go through the motions. Well I thought I was being nice so I told him the easy answers and that’s where we found a connection.

There was something in the way I hesitated to tell too much about me and something in the way my eyes looked every which way but at his interest that felt familiar to him. He was a taller man with mixed Irish-Italian features just moving to the area from Florida. He was seeking a new beginning and that is what attracted me to his profile on an online dating service. It was a risk for us both as we were both just out there with our hearts shattered just seeking that something that would make our belief in love beat again. So we decided to listen to each other because we were there, with nowhere else to be. Two strangers sharing a similar disappointment just seeking a common place in a moment called nowhere. That night I learned that I would feel again because I discovered how to communicate my pain and I wasn’t alone. And I didn’t belong there but I was meant to be there. Because it was there, on the other side of nowhere that I knew my heart had someplace to be.

When we heal, we teach.

© 2010
Tarringo T. Vaughan